What do washed-out, past-their-prime action film stars do in this day and age when 3D and CGI rule the box-office? Why, they band together to make the biggest and funniest action film ever made! The best thing is that they did it all in the unrepentant late 1980s/early 1990s style of real-stunts, muscle-bound heroes with gigantic guns causing even more gigantic explosions. So, if you're like me and you grew up with "
Rambo", "
Commando", "
Universal Soldier", etc. and you hate the fact that the local cineplexes are addicted to nonsensical gooey emo vampires ("
Twilight" anyone?) and family-oriented animated rubbish ("
Toy Story 3" anyone?), you make sure you line up to grab a ticket for "
The Expendables".
When I was growing up, the biggest news in the world (that did not happen although the rumor mills continued to swirl) was a movie starring the two biggest action stars together - Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Like I said, that did not happen. Time now, Sly Stallone is 64 and most kids these days have never even heard of the guy who used to blow away Viet Congs like it was all a game of "Space Invaders". Time now, Arnold is the Governator. Time now, they decided to throw the two together in a scene together with Bruce Willis! Their banter alone is worth the price of admission. Bruce's first line as Sly and Arnold stared daggers at each other is pure gold. I nearly fell off my chair laughing!!! :)
The worst movie from the 1980s was this piece of rubbish called "
Rocky IV". It was everything that the '80s was all about. Melodrama, the blonde femme fatale, Cold War paranoia, Dolph Lundgren as Ivan Drago, corny pop soundtrack, etc. And we kids absolutely loved it! I'd still watch it again any weekend now. No, you won't find me watching "
Fiddler On The Roof" or "
Schindler's List" on weekends but "
Rocky IV" is a good bet. Time was, Sly Stallone as Rocky Balboa and Dolph Lundgren as Ivan Drago stepping into the boxing ring together was a gay fantasy come true! Seriously, this film was ten billion times more gay than "
Brokeback Mountain" could ever hope to be. Fast forward to 2010 and we get to see Sly and Dolph in a movie again together. Sly even shot Dolph slightly above his heart so that the latter does not die. Now, you can read all sorts of gay subtexts into that if you want to but as for me, it's simply a fanboy's dream come true.
The worst movie I saw in recent years was "
Rogue Assassin" (also known as "
War" in some parts of the world). Yes, this piece of dog-vomit was even worse than "
Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun Li" and "
Babylon AD" put together. It starred Jet Li and Jason Statham. If I remembered correctly, the two also appeared in "
The One" together (that was another piece of dog-vomit that featured too many Jet Lis for my taste). Why was it so bad? Notice that there are two "asses" in the word "assassin"? Maybe that was a hidden clue that the film-makers inserted to warn potential viewers on just how crappy this film was. Funny thing is, Jet Li and Jason Statham are together again in "
The Expendables" and they are both really good in this one. Almost as good as "
Briana Loves Jenna" but minus the sex!!!
Then, there was the one wrestler who simply screamed "
Bad Ass" from the 1990s. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. He's so bad ass that he's got his own Scripture - Austin 3:16. He's so bad ass that he drinks beer in the centre of the WWE ring. He's so bad ass that most online pics of the man shows him with middle-fingers proudly raised (see above pic). He's so bad ass that he beat Stallone to a pulp in "
The Expendables" before taking on Randy Couture.
All in all, "
The Expendables" was a wonderful experience for me. It allowed me to leave my brains at the door and simply relive the 1980s for 105 minutes. The only way they could make the experience better was to release a real arcade game ("
Operation Wolf"-style) based on the movie... :)
